Friday, May 30, 2008

Favorite Thing

My favorite thing about any new job or whenever you meet new people and start to spend a lot of time with them is when they finally ask you how old you are. I just recently started having people guess because it's more fun than just saying it. And I am lucky, I am usually taken for a lot younger than I am. Thank God for moisturizer and sunscreen I suppose! Well, the average guess is about 23. I am actually shocked at how low that is. I hope that when I am 40 I am still averaging a 7 year lead without surgery. I'm not afraid of getting old, in fact, I often look forward to it. I do not plan on cosmetic surgery (does getting rid of spider veins count??), but I do plan on aging gracefully.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Figuring It Out- Anniversary Edition

Happy Blogging Anniversary to me...

I love birthdays and anniversaries and just about any reason to celebrate the joys of life, but I have not been very keen on this one. I set out a year ago to "figure it out" and I haven't. I guess I knew then that I wouldn't have it figured out and that's why I called my blog "Figuring it out." I must congratulate myself on my foresight. So, here we come to what I have figured and what I still have to figure.

Lately, it has been difficult for me to write how I am feeling and what I am thinking. Hence, the reason why my anniversary blog is a week late. I am generally a positive, optimistic person and I don't feel that way at the moment. It will pass, but as I am going through a rough time at the exact moment that I am calling myself to reflect on a year gone by I know that I will be far too hard on myself. I chose a tough path for myself, but it is becoming clearer to me exactly how tough it truly is. OK, I need to stop talking about this, because it's turning into a pity party for myself and we all deserve better writing than that!

I see life as a collection of perceptions. The only thing that has the potential to be truly known and not perceived is the self. And that, of course, is only true if you take the time to know your own mind. I know it sounds like an ego trip, but I think it's true. All that you think you know of others and situations is only a perception. You could never be granted the access into others' minds that you have with your own. The beauty of life is that the relationships that we cultivate tend to bring us to a closer understanding of ourselves and one another. We just have to open our hearts.

Repeated rejection hurts. It has the ability to crack the hardest of us and weaken our resolve. When I meet for lunch with friends of mine (who are usually in the business) it is a common refrain of mine to end with a hug and "we need to take care of each other." I truly believe it's the only way to defeat the hurt. We all should spend a little more time lifting each other up rather than pointing out flaws. It's something I have to remind myself of when I am feeling low. You can dwell on the negative and get nowhere or live in the positive and move forward. (In case you hadn't realized I am writing this as a mantra to myself, but you can use it if it helps!) I know it's cliche, but the Golden Rule really does apply. Treat others as you wish to be treated.

In case you didn't know Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, and Mark Twain were geniuses. In perfect Internet fashion all were attributed with the following quote. "Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." Probably, none of them said it, but it always does bolster your point when you can attribute your thoughts to a genius. I feel a bit crazy lately and I will tell you that it comes directly from almost two years of approaching my career in the same way, not getting what I want and continuing the same process hoping that something will change. Only I can change. Change is hard for me. I sit on the fence far more often than I even like to admit to myself.

I erased my Sitemeter on this blog. I realized that tracking my hits was as crazy as following people on MySpace. It is better for us all that it's gone. So, basically, I'm asking that if you visit, leave a comment, even if it's to say hi, or remain anonymous. It's your choice.

I enjoy observing and learning from people. I guess that's what makes me a good actress. Life is a journey that we only have once. I hope to make the most of it, even with its bumps and bruises it is still a fascinating ride. I hope that in the coming year I will find more stories from my life in NYC to share with you as I continue "figuring it out."

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Taking a Break

I am going to take a break from my blog. Probably just a week and I'll be back in enough time to post my first anniversary edition of "Figuring It Out," where I am sure to extol the virtues of a great title. Had I named this blog "Give Me A Year, I'll Figure it Out" I would be kicking myself for the fact that a year has gone by and I feel like I have less figured out than I did last year at this time. Using the present progressive tense of the word 'figure' has helped me immensely as I can continually be figuring. So rest assured the next week will be filled with an immense amount of figuring, just not for you to witness...

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A Poem

I took a walk today
To clear my head
Of the muddled thoughts inside
The sun warmed my face
The air purified my heart
The wind swept away my doubts
I am whole
I am me.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Ten on Tuesdays

1. I'm not a church person. I once was, but I like going to church in my head rather than as a social event. Not to mention, I'm not sure that my beliefs necessarily jive (yes, I said jive!) with most organized religions. As a New Yorker I have only attended church twice. I attempted to go once for Christmas Eve, but that didn't turn out as I planned. (Read more about that here.)
2. I felt a longing to be in a church today- so this afternoon I headed over to St Pat's on Fifth Ave to be with myself for a time before heading to work.
3. St Pat's is not exactly the most private choice for a church on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, but the wonderful thing is that because of tourists (wearing noisy shoes that flip-flop on the marble floors and taking an extaordinary amount of pictures) it is always available.
4. I was able to clear my head. It's been a tough few weeks (and days) and my mind has been craving a stimulation and a calming greater than I alone could provide.
5. What I love about the feeling of a church is that you know you aren't alone. And I don't mean that as I felt the presence of God (which I have in the past- that was not my truth today, however), but more that people come to church to BELIEVE in something beyond the self. That is what makes me feel good- that I take the time to pray or meditate and find within myself the keys to being better.
6. I really walked into that church wanting someone to tell me everything will work out, but the amazing thing is, the only person there who could convince me of that was me. It will work out because it has to.
7. I love meditation and I need to start doing it more often.
8. That calm place that you go to when meditating would be easier to find on a daily basis if I practiced more often.
9. I have these meditation CDs that I am going to sit with tomorrow.
10. Dad update- Thank you for all your well wishes! He has moved to the rehabilitation center yesterday where he will be for the next 6-8 weeks. I haven't spoken with him since Saturday (work and life got in the way) so I plan on talking with him tomorrow.

Monday, May 5, 2008

If you ever need encouragement...

My dad has been fighting an antibiotic resistant strain of an infection for over a year. It basically created a hole in his leg and has been the main reason he has moved in and out of the nursing home the last year. The doctors have been worried that the infection would end up in his bone and then be harder to treat. Well, last Friday his leg (from just below the knee) was amputated. I was working and unable to go home which is a regret but when I spoke with him on Saturday he was in amazingly good spirits. Guess I have no room to complain- and the glass is always half full. He reminded me of that.