8 Days till 30- 1999

Well, I was cast for the summer at Cain Park in Bye Bye Birdie and Sideshow. It was a great time and my first professional theatre experience. Both Terri Kent (who directed Birdie) and Victoria Bussert (who directed Sideshow) rank extremely high for directors I've worked with. I played Gloria in Birdie and Violet's understudy and ensemble in Sideshow. This was also the summer that I was nicknamed "The Voice."

After the shows were over Craig and I went to Virginia to visit my brother and my Aunt Betty and Uncle Harry. That weekend he proposed to me on Virginia Beach. I was 21. I knew that it would be happening and I had a feeling that it would happen this weekend. Looking back, I was so sure of myself and thought that I knew my own mind and where I was going that there was no doubt this was the right thing. I said yes.

9 Days till 30- 1998

This was an all around fabulous year. I auditioned for Cabaret and I was chosen to be Sally Bowles. It was such an honor because I was only a sophomore and I had to carry the show (along with Kevin Rees who played the Emcee). We were the only two undergraduates in lead roles. He was fabulous to work with and so very talented. It was tough for me, but I think that I came out on top. I had a teacher in the dance department who was not very supportive of me and I think even though I tried to not let what she said hurt me, it's still with me today. During a warm up in modern class (which I had never taken before college) Darwin was working with us to engage our abdominals while breathing through the exercise. She often walked around the room giving corrections and this day was no different. But what she said to me that day was forever burned into my memory. She stopped and looked at my body (which of course was in a leotard and tights) and said, "You're playing the lead in the musical, right? I can't believe you are going to get on that stage with a body like that." Harsh, right? I tried to stay composed and pushed back the tears that were burning my eyes. She would not have the power to make me cry! I suppose that it's a dancer's way of turning girls into anorexics. She even offered to help me with a diet plan. I didn't take her up on it, I couldn't imagine sitting in a room alone with her talking to her about not only my eating habits, but those of my family (she always said that it was important to understand where your eating habits come from) I worked really hard and did the best job that I could and I think I looked fabulous (as a side note, I was not overweight, I was just not built like a dancer). Sally Bowles is one of those roles that I have been trying to get again. Because I loved it so much, I really feel that the time that I've had away from the piece could really allow me to do so much more with it. Plus, I'm a much better actress now and I have a better idea of what I need to do onstage. It was thrilling to be a part of this show.

That spring my mom and I came to NYC for spring break. We had caught the NYC bug after our previous trip and so we had to come back. I had never been anywhere on spring break, so this was quite a treat. Mom had bought me tickets to see Ragtime for Christmas and when we got here Cabaret had opened. Getting tickets for that is a fabulous story that I wrote about in a previous post. We had such a great time! Coming to NYC with my mom was a much better spring break than those fools who go to the beach and get drunk! Guess that proves that I truly am a nerd...

10 Days till 30-1997

I completed the first year of college and began my second. I had auditioned for the B.F.A. (big f*&king acting degree) acting program and got in. I also auditioned to be a dance minor and a voice student and was accepted into both of those programs as well. And the biggest audition I did that year was for the musical Little Shop of Horrors, and I was the only freshman cast! I played the medium plant. It was so much fun to be inside that costume dancing away with my arm as the tongue to the song "Feed Me!" It was really hot inside that plant though, so I sweat a lot. I also got to play Mrs. Luce which is normally played by the dentist, but because it was a college show they wanted to spread out the parts. It was a small cameo appearance with a brief solo. Still, I was very proud of myself.

11 Days till 30- 1996

I came to New York City for the first time. I applied to NYU and I had to come for an audition. I scheduled it and then told my mom. Kind of sketchy on my part, but I knew she might not go for it. John had wanted to go to school for theatre and my mom told him no. I think the official word was something like this, "If you want to do theatre, fine, but if you're living under my roof, you have to double major." She was a bit wary of an artist's life for her kids and I can see why. So, I told her I scheduled an audition and I wanted her to come with me. She called my cousin Tasha, who was a travel agent at the time, and booked us two flights and a hotel. Yeah, I guess the others warmed her up for me! I think she was just as excited to go to NYC as I was. The flight out of Cleveland Hopkins was awful- it was also my very first time on a plane. It was definitely an experience coming to audition at Tisch. It was also one of the first times I was rejected. I was accepted into NYU, but not into the program, but I loved the energy and the people in the city and I knew I would find my way back here.

After playing Adelaide in the spring all school musical, I graduated 32nd in my class without a college to go to. I only applied to three schools and I didn't get accepted to any of them. I thought about moving to St. Louis to study voice with my uncle. I also thought about moving straight to NYC. I had met a boy, Craig, who encouraged me to apply to Kent State University and try it out. Got in- no problem. So I would start college in the fall right near where I grew up with a new boyfriend, and without my best friend, Erin (it's a long story, but it involves a boy and my often too big mouth- we never regained our friendship after that and it makes me sad)...

I went to Europe that summer with ETC. It was an amazing experience and it wet my appetite for overseas travel. I left Paris wondering when I might ever be able to get back. We started in Scotland, took a bus tour to London, and then took the Chunnel to Paris, singing all the way. I was in heaven! Coming home was hard. It meant the end of my childhood and the beginning of something completely different.

Shortly after coming home my Gramps passed away. It was the hardest death I have ever had to experience. We had all gotten to know him so well in the few short years we had after Grandma died. I loved him dearly. He was buried next to my Grandma and I sang to him at the cemetery. It was my way of saying goodbye.

Letting Go

lyrics :Leslie Bricusse

Letting go of a hand,
That I've grown so accustomed to holding,
Letting go of that hand can be so hard.

Letting go of a hand,
That was there to protect and defend me.
Letting go of that hand,Can be so hard.

There was bound to come a time,
I had to find my way,
Our time has come,
For letting go.

Moving on in my life,
There's so much about me I'm unsure of.
I must find my own way,
On my own.

You will always be with me,
I will always need your love
And it's so hard to let you go.

Even now,
though we know,
Now my heart wants to hold on forever.
It's the hardest thing I know.
But now it's time, for letting go.
It's the hardest thing I know,
But now it's time, for letting go.

12 Days till 30- 1995

I choreographed the All High School Musical South Pacific, starring BJ Taylor and Marie Willis (Taylor) as Emile and Nelly. They were fabulous and as for me I undertook a huge project and came out of it okay. I was really proud to have someone believe that I could take this on and succeed. I really appreciated Mr. Stephen for all that he did for me through high school. I had some rough spots and he really was always truly supportive.
During the summer on June 29th, my nephew Danny was born!
At the other end of the year, 17 days before my 18th birthday I was on my way to school driving my stylin' 1984 two-tone brown Ford LTD that had been my great Aunt Mary's. The car was kind of embarrassing, but it got me where I needed to go. It was huge and it only had an AM radio and an eight-track player. Anyway, as I turned the corner to head on to the main road to school I slipped on some ice and headed into oncoming traffic. I was hit head on by someone going close to full speed. Thank God for the huge car! I remember before he hit me that I thought I hope I didn't kill someone and then all I saw was the hood of my car in the windshield. I unbuckled my seat belt to check if the other person was okay and realized I could barely stand. A man came up to me and asked me if I was okay and I started crying and asking for my mother. I gave him my driver's license and he ran down the street to the house to get her. The worst part besides being injured was the fact that all the school traffic had to be rerouted because the accident was blocking the street. I was put onto a stretcher and taken to the hospital. It was awful. And on top of that a boy named Brian who had liked me for a long time started a rumor that I had gotten in the accident because I was fiddling with the radio. Don't worry, I set him straight when I made it back to school! So, I totalled a 1984 Ford LTD, quite a fete I'm told. I was saved by my seat belt and the enormity of the car I was in. The other driver was fine. I pulled the muscles between my shoulder blades and I was on muscle relaxers for awhile.
The end of the year ended extremely well, though! I went to Disney World in Florida for the first time with ETC All American Youth Show Choir. I was so excited to see palm trees for the first time and to hug Mickey whose birthday is also the 18th of November!!! And to top it all off we got to perform and I got to sing a solo. I sang Let's Hear it for the Boy. After we performed we were going to spend the rest of the day in the park, but I had forgotten to pack a pair of shoes. It was funny to walk around Magic Kingdom in character shoes and shorts and looking for any place that sold shoes. I had to buy blue, canvas Reeboks and I remember them being the most expensive thing I had ever bought for myself. It was a great trip and a fabulous way to end the year!

13 Days till 30- 1994

So I think this actually happened in 1993, but I didn't think it was right to include this with the previous post. What I remember was that it was cold outside and my brother John was with my mom and grandpa at my grandmother's bedside. I don't remember who sat with Jenny and I that night, but John called to say that grandma had died. It was the first death that I had ever known. And it was hard. I always had dreamed of having a grandma who would smile at my silly stories and bake me cookies. I didn't get that type. She wanted to be cremated and she was also a devote Catholic- two things that do not go hand in hand. The reason I bring this up is two fold. First, because she was being cremated we viewed her body as a family as it was when she died, not embalmed and pretty, but cold and dead. It was awful. And second, because she was cremated her remains were not allowed in the church. I have to say that has to be the dumbest, most arbitrary rule ever (I'm sure it's steeped in a lot of history, but really it's just silly). It was hard to watch my mom sob so hard during the funeral that John held her up. I was in ninth grade at the time and I was reading A Tale of Two Cities. This was one of my very favorite books partly because it helped me understand death in a new way and also because of the parallel I drew between Sydney Carton and my grandmother. He was characteristically flawed, but in his death he gave life to others. His death was the most selfless thing he had ever done. I think that it was hard for my grandmother to face her death (I don't imagine it could be all that easy for anyone), but her death gave us all a chance to get to know Gramps in a whole new way. It also made me realize that it was probably the first chance she had ever really had to rest and let go of all the anger and sadness she carried with her. I know that with all her faults, I wouldn't have had the mother I had without her. Dickens's last words in the book are the thoughts of Sydney Carton. When I read them the first time shortly after my grandmother's death, I thought of them as her words and I imagined that she was in heaven reciting them to me as I read: "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

14 Days till 30- 1993

My mom graduated Summa Cum Laude with her Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I think that my mom is one of the most amazing people in the entire world. She overcame a lot of diversity to put herself in a place she wanted and more appropriately she chose to be. She took her life by the reins and directed it where she wanted to go and she did it all while raising four kids pretty much on her own. She showed us all that anything is possible if we put our minds to it (and switch around a few credit card balances to keep the money coming in!). The story of my mom's journey is for her to tell, but I will say that she surely didn't have it easy. She could have taken the easy route and accomplished nothing and blamed it on the horrible childhood and the horrible mother she had. We all knew that it had been hard for her. There were nights that I could hear her cry herself to sleep. She would smoke by the window in her room with the smoke going out the fan turned on exhaust while deep in thought, crying, and rocking herself in her rocking chair. But she took the high road. She decided what she wanted her life to look like and although it was a tough journey she set out on it and never looked back. She showed me what attaining a dream looks like, it's hard work, but worth every moment of it because it's yours.